Sometimes I just need to talk to myself.

What is the essence of loneliness? Where does it come from? Some people do not feel loneliness, are much better at making connections and developing intimacy with others.

It’s definitely a state of mind as loneliness rarely has anything to do with being physically alone. In my experience, the most overwhelming tide of loneliness occurs when you’re surrounded by people, but do not feel connected to any of them.

My struggles with loneliness stem from a rather lonely childhood. I was fortunate to always make friends, but there were times when I did not have any. Or times when I felt a million miles away from them.

I believe a lot of my struggles with loneliness stems from not really knowing how to develop a need-trust based relationship with others, and that this is a direct consequence of not having any siblings or close relatives of the same age around me. I suspect that the foundation of developing meaningful relationships with others is based on our experiences within a family.

In my experience, I have learned about the relationship between mother and child, but nothing about the relationship between father and child. But all other family relationships I have avoided, and there have been distinct situations that have driven me from them and them from me.

I remember distinctly when my cousin Carol called me “maladjusted”. It was perhaps the first time I was forced to reflect on myself and my behaviour and its effects on others. I’m not certain what it was that I did to provoke this comment, or if she had been careless about the word she had used one day when I annoyed her. In any case, I don’t hold it against her as she has always been most generous and kind to me. But ever since that day when I learned about the world maladjusted that I grew cautious about what I said and to whom and when and how.

My next strongest type of relationship is that of the teacher and student. I have always been a “teacher’s pet”. To me, when someone is willing to teach and support you, it comes naturally to want to be keen and attentive.

In Grade 4, my teacher Mrs. Guscott was the first to recognize my talent in art and creative writing. She let me stay in at recesses (this was a good thing in the winter) to paint murals for the walls. Of course this in itself separated me from my peers who were not asked to stay inside and paint, unless I expressly invited someone to help me. And all too often I was happy to just paint on my own.

I have only recently began to understand that relationship of sisters. It has taken many years to get to this point, but my best friend Kellie taught me about this. Perhaps this is the type of relationship she is most familiar and experienced with since she is very close with her own sister and brother.

When Kellie’s mother was sick, she came to talk to me and I did not know how to help her. I was completely inexperienced at grief counseling and the typical sentiments one would use in these situations escaped me. But I was there for her.

Over time, I learned how to be myself freely around her – the same as how freely I acted around my friends of my childhood. It’s not easy for me since the relationships I’m most familiar with are that of mother and child and teacher and student. But Kellie taught me… she is good at keeping in touch when I am not. When she feels lonely, she calls someone, but I write about it. I internalize these feelings until I’m ready to break down and have a crying fit and then I’ll make plans with some friends and then I’m happy again.

So perhaps the issue isn’t that I’m lonely it’s that I’m not comfortable with my loneliness. Maybe we’re all lonely sometimes and I need to accept that it doesn’t mean there’s something wrong with me. Maybe there’s something to be enjoyed about being alone and free to do or say or think or feel whatever I want and not to be concerned about anyone else.

Maybe there’s something more creative that I could be doing with my loneliness than trying to self-analyze it. And to what end? To realize that it’s all happened before and I know that it’ll be over soon enough?

Oh Internal Dialogue, how I’ve missed you.