My inner voice has always been very important to me. It's a voice that's always honest, supportive, wise... It has helped me through dark and lonely times, and cheered me on when no one else in the world could touch me. Anyone who knows me knows that I rarely give myself up to people for emotional support. It's rare... I think I can count the number of times that it's happened on one hand. Those who I turn to are voices that contribute to my inner voice - they pass on wisdom that I absorb so that my inner voice can be stronger and better prepared in the future.
As much as I need my inner voice and it's very much a part of me, I also discovered that it's ceaseless and uncontrollable. I have been trying to put myself under deep hypnosis lately and have been failing - either my inner voice is too strong, or I fall asleep.
Now obviously, putting myself under hypnosis probably doesn't sound like a healthy thing to do, but essentially, it's a type of meditation. I have meditated before by giving my inner voice a mantra, or have done strenuous ashtanga yoga to completely clear my head. But even then, I don't really know if I've ever been able to silence the voice.
Lately I've been wondering what it would be like to be able to control my inner voice, to give it a rest when I just want to zone in and create. I don't know where I get the feeling from, but I suspect that this inner voice that has only grown stronger over the years is what distracts me from my ability to create.
When I was young, I used to draw endlessly... days would slip by and I would have filled hundreds of pages of drawings - stories in picture form. Characters, people, places, romances, challenges, rivalries, victories... I don't think I had an inner voice back then. And certainly, my inner voice would've been first conceived in those ideas. Eventually, I started writing a diary - this started in high school when things got really complicated. So many fragments of my life in miscellaneous journals and word documents. I'm not really interested in reading them again because it was all a process to develop my voice.
I find myself feeling so bored so I seek visual, audio and mental stimulation. These stimuli are things that can silence my voice because my voice needs these stimuli to have something to say. But what if I took in all of this and expressed it not with my inner voice which then becomes vocal opinions shared carelessly at the pub or on the subway. What if I focused on expressing myself with the other talents I was blessed with?
Just a thought.
Saturday, March 20, 2010
Monday, March 8, 2010
My New (26th) Year Resolution
Today is my 26th birthday. In previous years, this is an intense time of self-reflection. Usually there’s some kind of full moon, or some wildly meaningful personal experience that transpired to cause a monumental change in my perspective on life.
Year 23
It’s difficult to remember year 23, it seems like so long ago. I was still working at my first agency, so I must have done something fun with them. My early twenties was focused on developing my social abilities and friendships as I’ve always been a terribly awkward person when I’m around new people, and still am. I’m just a bit better at hiding it.
Year 24
The year before I was having an existential crisis. I was working at a pharma marketing agency and it was literally eating away at my soul. I won’t enumerate the many things that bothered me about working there, but I had taken the opportunity as a test because it was so far outside of what I wanted to do and what I was used to.
It taught me a lot, and it showed me I’m capable of meeting new professional challenges, as well as discovering the most lovely, hilarious good friends, even (or especially) trapped in a windowless room with them.
That was a pivotal year – year 24. I started my sketchook that year, and wrote some of the most powerfully inspirational words that I still draw strength from to this day.
Year 25
Last year, I embraced my own company. I went to Montreal on my own, stayed with friends of course and spent time with great people, but I also spent a lot of time by myself, enjoying my own company.
In fact, I spent the greater part of the previous year on my own, and I hope I never forget that I am capable, both functionally and emotionally that this is something that I can live with. It is something that was in itself peacefully enjoyable and at times hilarious. SATC calls it “Secret Single Behaviour”, which when said aloud sounds silly, but here’s a list of mine:
Waking up at weird hours (usually anytime between 2-5 AM) to start watching a movie, TV show, read a book, write on my blog, check Facebook, make a snack, write a letter.
Actually that kind of sums it up. Everything else was pretty normal: taking long walks or bike rides along the beach, getting groceries, making meals, cleaning (sometimes).
Year 26
So 26… 26… I think this is a stepping stone year. I’m back in school in some ways – back on the pole, taking classes at Ryerson, and teaching myself how to stay in shape. It’s so so true what they say – your metabolism REALLY changes after you turn 25! Admittedly I’ve made changes to my lifestyle (i.e. location) that makes it difficult for me to walk and ride my bike as often as I used to, but additionally, it seems like I’ve put on a few extra layers I never really thought possible on myself.
So year 26 will be about discipline. And confidence – trusting my instincts and not worrying much about my ability to do things; instead focusing on my commitment to go through with them.
And to top it off, I have a goal – my first ever short-term goal. Buying a house was never a goal for me. And goodness knows in my line of work, you can only ever hope for the best.
My goal for 2012/2013 is to take a year Sabbatical and travel around the world with my partner, gain work experience internationally, and just have the time of my life.
So 26 will be a very big year because it’s the first step towards some very serious ambitions. I know that there will be times when life is exhausting, and it will seem so much easier to settle. But I need to trust myself to see past the daily grind and keep my eye on the prize.
Wish me luck!
Year 23
It’s difficult to remember year 23, it seems like so long ago. I was still working at my first agency, so I must have done something fun with them. My early twenties was focused on developing my social abilities and friendships as I’ve always been a terribly awkward person when I’m around new people, and still am. I’m just a bit better at hiding it.
Year 24
It taught me a lot, and it showed me I’m capable of meeting new professional challenges, as well as discovering the most lovely, hilarious good friends, even (or especially) trapped in a windowless room with them.
That was a pivotal year – year 24. I started my sketchook that year, and wrote some of the most powerfully inspirational words that I still draw strength from to this day.
Year 25
In fact, I spent the greater part of the previous year on my own, and I hope I never forget that I am capable, both functionally and emotionally that this is something that I can live with. It is something that was in itself peacefully enjoyable and at times hilarious. SATC calls it “Secret Single Behaviour”, which when said aloud sounds silly, but here’s a list of mine:
Waking up at weird hours (usually anytime between 2-5 AM) to start watching a movie, TV show, read a book, write on my blog, check Facebook, make a snack, write a letter.
Actually that kind of sums it up. Everything else was pretty normal: taking long walks or bike rides along the beach, getting groceries, making meals, cleaning (sometimes).
Year 26
So year 26 will be about discipline. And confidence – trusting my instincts and not worrying much about my ability to do things; instead focusing on my commitment to go through with them.
And to top it off, I have a goal – my first ever short-term goal. Buying a house was never a goal for me. And goodness knows in my line of work, you can only ever hope for the best.
My goal for 2012/2013 is to take a year Sabbatical and travel around the world with my partner, gain work experience internationally, and just have the time of my life.
So 26 will be a very big year because it’s the first step towards some very serious ambitions. I know that there will be times when life is exhausting, and it will seem so much easier to settle. But I need to trust myself to see past the daily grind and keep my eye on the prize.
Wish me luck!
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