creativity's always been a very important part of my life, but it's been a long time since i've done anything creative. i worry that maybe i might "lose it", and try to think back to what made me want to be creative to begin with. with drawing, it was always something aspirational - a pretty face, a spiritual ideal, an interesting insight. with writing, it was always some story i wanted to live through fantasy like a love story, or else non-fictional account of some incredible event.
i know that the stagnation is largely because of the incredible demand my career has on me at this point in time. it's difficult to tell whether it's me that's letting it take over my life or if it's simply the nature of the job. certainly the people i work with are all equally work-obsessed - well maybe not all of them, but at least the ones i consider my peers.
i also know that my career-obsession is because of the need for a stable future. to avoid the mistakes of my parents. to give myself the skills i'd need to be able to live comfortably and have a family comfortably. there's something else too because if comfort is all, i'd be working for something far more stable like insurance or finance. this is tied to the creative aspect of my talents...
it's all related. my whole life, every moment, every action, every ideal and every fear is very much a dimension of my being - difficult to separate. and so while i worry that perhaps one aspect might be getting more attention than others, i also suspect that as my circumstances evolve, the different dimensions of my self will adapt itself, using its core elements to support whatever endeavor i desire.
this makes me feel better. =)
Monday, December 28, 2009
Sunday, December 13, 2009
Is this real life???
I had one of those moments the other night when I was feeling like the kid who got high at the dentist. "Is this real life???" I was lying in bed, alone at Hotel St. Paul in Old Montreal after a night of dancing my face off with people that I work with. I knew that in only a week, I'd be flying to Manchester with the most loving and generous boyfriend a girl could ever hope for. I felt completely bewildered.
In my head, I was home alone again at age 10 or 11, the TV showing endless re-runs, me wrapped in a giant comforter, eating chocolate, drawing, vaguely wondering if this was all there is. My mother was running a restaurant at the time, and I rarely saw her, the only way I knew she was still around was from the food she'd leave in the fridge for me. The days blurred together; grey winters melted into muddy springs, then hot summers with no air conditioning so as not to jack up the energy bill, and short crispy autumns. My whole world was so small, my only window to the outside world was through stolen cable.
Everything kind of changed when I got the internet and suddenly the entire world was within reach of my fingertips. So many people! Soon, I knew was that there was no way I'd be able to finish high school without attempting suicide. The thought of getting placed into a university program felt suffocating and I knew the power of my own self-destructiveness only too well.
Did I dream of a career? I don't really remember. All I knew was that I wanted to walk down my own path, on my own terms. It seems entirely too flukey that I ended up in the right career at the right time. At a time when other people I know of all ages are having trouble keeping or finding work, I've become a Digital Strategist - a title I only ever dreamed about for the lasts 4 years.
I don't really know how to feel about it. On one hand, I'm completed elated. On the other... it seems too good to be true. I keep waiting for something terrible to happen. Something terrible almost always happens, it's just a matter of when the floor will drop from right under.
In my head, I was home alone again at age 10 or 11, the TV showing endless re-runs, me wrapped in a giant comforter, eating chocolate, drawing, vaguely wondering if this was all there is. My mother was running a restaurant at the time, and I rarely saw her, the only way I knew she was still around was from the food she'd leave in the fridge for me. The days blurred together; grey winters melted into muddy springs, then hot summers with no air conditioning so as not to jack up the energy bill, and short crispy autumns. My whole world was so small, my only window to the outside world was through stolen cable.
Everything kind of changed when I got the internet and suddenly the entire world was within reach of my fingertips. So many people! Soon, I knew was that there was no way I'd be able to finish high school without attempting suicide. The thought of getting placed into a university program felt suffocating and I knew the power of my own self-destructiveness only too well.
Did I dream of a career? I don't really remember. All I knew was that I wanted to walk down my own path, on my own terms. It seems entirely too flukey that I ended up in the right career at the right time. At a time when other people I know of all ages are having trouble keeping or finding work, I've become a Digital Strategist - a title I only ever dreamed about for the lasts 4 years.
I don't really know how to feel about it. On one hand, I'm completed elated. On the other... it seems too good to be true. I keep waiting for something terrible to happen. Something terrible almost always happens, it's just a matter of when the floor will drop from right under.
Tuesday, December 8, 2009
This is just a space.
I was going to redesign delinquencysignal.blogspot.com, but then I realized I couldn't do it.
Yes, it's a blog that dates back to 2005. But the name "delinquencysignal" doesn't represent me anymore - in fact it hasn't in a long time. The title "Everytime I feel like Alice" has significant meaning - a line from a short story I wrote that same year (published on psychedelia.ca) that will always remain significant even if it's not relevant today.
The only part of that blog that I still feel connected to is the handle... min_o. Don't ask me why... only one person ever calls me that, but I suppose it's enough. When I saw that jasmin-o was available as a blogger URL (really hard to find a good one these days), I decided to grab it.
It's an evolution of min_o... which is weird because Jasmin is my name, but "Everytime I feel like Alice" was really a journey of self-actualization-realization-identification. And after 4 years of questioning myself, my life, my journey; I don't feel like Alice anymore. I feel like Jasmin.
Yes, it's a blog that dates back to 2005. But the name "delinquencysignal" doesn't represent me anymore - in fact it hasn't in a long time. The title "Everytime I feel like Alice" has significant meaning - a line from a short story I wrote that same year (published on psychedelia.ca) that will always remain significant even if it's not relevant today.
The only part of that blog that I still feel connected to is the handle... min_o. Don't ask me why... only one person ever calls me that, but I suppose it's enough. When I saw that jasmin-o was available as a blogger URL (really hard to find a good one these days), I decided to grab it.
It's an evolution of min_o... which is weird because Jasmin is my name, but "Everytime I feel like Alice" was really a journey of self-actualization-realization-identification. And after 4 years of questioning myself, my life, my journey; I don't feel like Alice anymore. I feel like Jasmin.
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