to thine own self be true

creativity's always been a very important part of my life, but it's been a long time since i've done anything creative. i worry that maybe i might "lose it", and try to think back to what made me want to be creative to begin with. with drawing, it was always something aspirational - a pretty face, a spiritual ideal, an interesting insight. with writing, it was always some story i wanted to live through fantasy like a love story, or else non-fictional account of some incredible event.

i know that the stagnation is largely because of the incredible demand my career has on me at this point in time.  it's difficult to tell whether it's me that's letting it take over my life or if it's simply the nature of the job. certainly the people i work with are all equally work-obsessed - well maybe not all of them, but at least the ones i consider my peers.

i also know that my career-obsession is because of the need for a stable future. to avoid the mistakes of my parents. to give myself the skills i'd need to be able to live comfortably and have a family comfortably. there's something else too because if comfort is all, i'd be working for something far more stable like insurance or finance. this is tied to the creative aspect of my talents...

it's all related. my whole life, every moment, every action, every ideal and every fear is very much a dimension of my being - difficult to separate. and so while i worry that perhaps one aspect might be getting more attention than others, i also suspect that as my circumstances evolve, the different dimensions of my self will adapt itself, using its core elements to support whatever endeavor i desire.

this makes me feel better.  =)