Is this real life???

I had one of those moments the other night when I was feeling like the kid who got high at the dentist.  "Is this real life???"  I was lying in bed, alone at Hotel St. Paul in Old Montreal after a night of dancing my face off with people that I work with.  I knew that in only a week, I'd be flying to Manchester with the most loving and generous boyfriend a girl could ever hope for.  I felt completely bewildered.

In my head, I was home alone again at age 10 or 11, the TV showing endless re-runs, me wrapped in a giant comforter, eating chocolate, drawing, vaguely wondering if this was all there is.  My mother was running a restaurant at the time, and I rarely saw her, the only way I knew she was still around was from the food she'd leave in the fridge for me.  The days blurred together; grey winters melted into muddy springs, then hot summers with no air conditioning so as not to jack up the energy bill, and short crispy autumns.  My whole world was so small, my only window to the outside world was through stolen cable.

Everything kind of changed when I got the internet and suddenly the entire world was within reach of my fingertips.  So many people!  Soon, I knew was that there was no way I'd be able to finish high school without attempting suicide.  The thought of getting placed into a university program felt suffocating and I knew the power of my own self-destructiveness only too well. 

Did I dream of a career?  I don't really remember. All I knew was that I wanted to walk down my own path, on my own terms.  It seems entirely too flukey that I ended up in the right career at the right time.  At a time when other people I know of all ages are having trouble keeping or finding work, I've become a Digital Strategist - a title I only ever dreamed about for the lasts 4 years.

I don't really know how to feel about it.  On one hand, I'm completed elated.  On the other... it seems too good to be true.  I keep waiting for something terrible to happen.  Something terrible almost always happens, it's just a matter of when the floor will drop from right under.