Sunday, May 9, 2010
Saturday, March 20, 2010
Stop the Chattering
My inner voice has always been very important to me. It's a voice that's always honest, supportive, wise... It has helped me through dark and lonely times, and cheered me on when no one else in the world could touch me. Anyone who knows me knows that I rarely give myself up to people for emotional support. It's rare... I think I can count the number of times that it's happened on one hand. Those who I turn to are voices that contribute to my inner voice - they pass on wisdom that I absorb so that my inner voice can be stronger and better prepared in the future.
As much as I need my inner voice and it's very much a part of me, I also discovered that it's ceaseless and uncontrollable. I have been trying to put myself under deep hypnosis lately and have been failing - either my inner voice is too strong, or I fall asleep.
Now obviously, putting myself under hypnosis probably doesn't sound like a healthy thing to do, but essentially, it's a type of meditation. I have meditated before by giving my inner voice a mantra, or have done strenuous ashtanga yoga to completely clear my head. But even then, I don't really know if I've ever been able to silence the voice.
Lately I've been wondering what it would be like to be able to control my inner voice, to give it a rest when I just want to zone in and create. I don't know where I get the feeling from, but I suspect that this inner voice that has only grown stronger over the years is what distracts me from my ability to create.
When I was young, I used to draw endlessly... days would slip by and I would have filled hundreds of pages of drawings - stories in picture form. Characters, people, places, romances, challenges, rivalries, victories... I don't think I had an inner voice back then. And certainly, my inner voice would've been first conceived in those ideas. Eventually, I started writing a diary - this started in high school when things got really complicated. So many fragments of my life in miscellaneous journals and word documents. I'm not really interested in reading them again because it was all a process to develop my voice.
I find myself feeling so bored so I seek visual, audio and mental stimulation. These stimuli are things that can silence my voice because my voice needs these stimuli to have something to say. But what if I took in all of this and expressed it not with my inner voice which then becomes vocal opinions shared carelessly at the pub or on the subway. What if I focused on expressing myself with the other talents I was blessed with?
Just a thought.
As much as I need my inner voice and it's very much a part of me, I also discovered that it's ceaseless and uncontrollable. I have been trying to put myself under deep hypnosis lately and have been failing - either my inner voice is too strong, or I fall asleep.
Now obviously, putting myself under hypnosis probably doesn't sound like a healthy thing to do, but essentially, it's a type of meditation. I have meditated before by giving my inner voice a mantra, or have done strenuous ashtanga yoga to completely clear my head. But even then, I don't really know if I've ever been able to silence the voice.
Lately I've been wondering what it would be like to be able to control my inner voice, to give it a rest when I just want to zone in and create. I don't know where I get the feeling from, but I suspect that this inner voice that has only grown stronger over the years is what distracts me from my ability to create.
When I was young, I used to draw endlessly... days would slip by and I would have filled hundreds of pages of drawings - stories in picture form. Characters, people, places, romances, challenges, rivalries, victories... I don't think I had an inner voice back then. And certainly, my inner voice would've been first conceived in those ideas. Eventually, I started writing a diary - this started in high school when things got really complicated. So many fragments of my life in miscellaneous journals and word documents. I'm not really interested in reading them again because it was all a process to develop my voice.
I find myself feeling so bored so I seek visual, audio and mental stimulation. These stimuli are things that can silence my voice because my voice needs these stimuli to have something to say. But what if I took in all of this and expressed it not with my inner voice which then becomes vocal opinions shared carelessly at the pub or on the subway. What if I focused on expressing myself with the other talents I was blessed with?
Just a thought.
Monday, March 8, 2010
My New (26th) Year Resolution
Today is my 26th birthday. In previous years, this is an intense time of self-reflection. Usually there’s some kind of full moon, or some wildly meaningful personal experience that transpired to cause a monumental change in my perspective on life.
Year 23
It’s difficult to remember year 23, it seems like so long ago. I was still working at my first agency, so I must have done something fun with them. My early twenties was focused on developing my social abilities and friendships as I’ve always been a terribly awkward person when I’m around new people, and still am. I’m just a bit better at hiding it.
Year 24
The year before I was having an existential crisis. I was working at a pharma marketing agency and it was literally eating away at my soul. I won’t enumerate the many things that bothered me about working there, but I had taken the opportunity as a test because it was so far outside of what I wanted to do and what I was used to.
It taught me a lot, and it showed me I’m capable of meeting new professional challenges, as well as discovering the most lovely, hilarious good friends, even (or especially) trapped in a windowless room with them.
That was a pivotal year – year 24. I started my sketchook that year, and wrote some of the most powerfully inspirational words that I still draw strength from to this day.
Year 25
Last year, I embraced my own company. I went to Montreal on my own, stayed with friends of course and spent time with great people, but I also spent a lot of time by myself, enjoying my own company.
In fact, I spent the greater part of the previous year on my own, and I hope I never forget that I am capable, both functionally and emotionally that this is something that I can live with. It is something that was in itself peacefully enjoyable and at times hilarious. SATC calls it “Secret Single Behaviour”, which when said aloud sounds silly, but here’s a list of mine:
Waking up at weird hours (usually anytime between 2-5 AM) to start watching a movie, TV show, read a book, write on my blog, check Facebook, make a snack, write a letter.
Actually that kind of sums it up. Everything else was pretty normal: taking long walks or bike rides along the beach, getting groceries, making meals, cleaning (sometimes).
Year 26
So 26… 26… I think this is a stepping stone year. I’m back in school in some ways – back on the pole, taking classes at Ryerson, and teaching myself how to stay in shape. It’s so so true what they say – your metabolism REALLY changes after you turn 25! Admittedly I’ve made changes to my lifestyle (i.e. location) that makes it difficult for me to walk and ride my bike as often as I used to, but additionally, it seems like I’ve put on a few extra layers I never really thought possible on myself.
So year 26 will be about discipline. And confidence – trusting my instincts and not worrying much about my ability to do things; instead focusing on my commitment to go through with them.
And to top it off, I have a goal – my first ever short-term goal. Buying a house was never a goal for me. And goodness knows in my line of work, you can only ever hope for the best.
My goal for 2012/2013 is to take a year Sabbatical and travel around the world with my partner, gain work experience internationally, and just have the time of my life.
So 26 will be a very big year because it’s the first step towards some very serious ambitions. I know that there will be times when life is exhausting, and it will seem so much easier to settle. But I need to trust myself to see past the daily grind and keep my eye on the prize.
Wish me luck!
Year 23
It’s difficult to remember year 23, it seems like so long ago. I was still working at my first agency, so I must have done something fun with them. My early twenties was focused on developing my social abilities and friendships as I’ve always been a terribly awkward person when I’m around new people, and still am. I’m just a bit better at hiding it.
Year 24
It taught me a lot, and it showed me I’m capable of meeting new professional challenges, as well as discovering the most lovely, hilarious good friends, even (or especially) trapped in a windowless room with them.
That was a pivotal year – year 24. I started my sketchook that year, and wrote some of the most powerfully inspirational words that I still draw strength from to this day.
Year 25
In fact, I spent the greater part of the previous year on my own, and I hope I never forget that I am capable, both functionally and emotionally that this is something that I can live with. It is something that was in itself peacefully enjoyable and at times hilarious. SATC calls it “Secret Single Behaviour”, which when said aloud sounds silly, but here’s a list of mine:
Waking up at weird hours (usually anytime between 2-5 AM) to start watching a movie, TV show, read a book, write on my blog, check Facebook, make a snack, write a letter.
Actually that kind of sums it up. Everything else was pretty normal: taking long walks or bike rides along the beach, getting groceries, making meals, cleaning (sometimes).
Year 26
So year 26 will be about discipline. And confidence – trusting my instincts and not worrying much about my ability to do things; instead focusing on my commitment to go through with them.
And to top it off, I have a goal – my first ever short-term goal. Buying a house was never a goal for me. And goodness knows in my line of work, you can only ever hope for the best.
My goal for 2012/2013 is to take a year Sabbatical and travel around the world with my partner, gain work experience internationally, and just have the time of my life.
So 26 will be a very big year because it’s the first step towards some very serious ambitions. I know that there will be times when life is exhausting, and it will seem so much easier to settle. But I need to trust myself to see past the daily grind and keep my eye on the prize.
Wish me luck!
Saturday, February 13, 2010
Sometimes I just need to talk to myself.
What is the essence of loneliness? Where does it come from? Some people do not feel loneliness, are much better at making connections and developing intimacy with others.
It’s definitely a state of mind as loneliness rarely has anything to do with being physically alone. In my experience, the most overwhelming tide of loneliness occurs when you’re surrounded by people, but do not feel connected to any of them.
My struggles with loneliness stem from a rather lonely childhood. I was fortunate to always make friends, but there were times when I did not have any. Or times when I felt a million miles away from them.
I believe a lot of my struggles with loneliness stems from not really knowing how to develop a need-trust based relationship with others, and that this is a direct consequence of not having any siblings or close relatives of the same age around me. I suspect that the foundation of developing meaningful relationships with others is based on our experiences within a family.
In my experience, I have learned about the relationship between mother and child, but nothing about the relationship between father and child. But all other family relationships I have avoided, and there have been distinct situations that have driven me from them and them from me.
I remember distinctly when my cousin Carol called me “maladjusted”. It was perhaps the first time I was forced to reflect on myself and my behaviour and its effects on others. I’m not certain what it was that I did to provoke this comment, or if she had been careless about the word she had used one day when I annoyed her. In any case, I don’t hold it against her as she has always been most generous and kind to me. But ever since that day when I learned about the world maladjusted that I grew cautious about what I said and to whom and when and how.
My next strongest type of relationship is that of the teacher and student. I have always been a “teacher’s pet”. To me, when someone is willing to teach and support you, it comes naturally to want to be keen and attentive.
In Grade 4, my teacher Mrs. Guscott was the first to recognize my talent in art and creative writing. She let me stay in at recesses (this was a good thing in the winter) to paint murals for the walls. Of course this in itself separated me from my peers who were not asked to stay inside and paint, unless I expressly invited someone to help me. And all too often I was happy to just paint on my own.
I have only recently began to understand that relationship of sisters. It has taken many years to get to this point, but my best friend Kellie taught me about this. Perhaps this is the type of relationship she is most familiar and experienced with since she is very close with her own sister and brother.
When Kellie’s mother was sick, she came to talk to me and I did not know how to help her. I was completely inexperienced at grief counseling and the typical sentiments one would use in these situations escaped me. But I was there for her.
Over time, I learned how to be myself freely around her – the same as how freely I acted around my friends of my childhood. It’s not easy for me since the relationships I’m most familiar with are that of mother and child and teacher and student. But Kellie taught me… she is good at keeping in touch when I am not. When she feels lonely, she calls someone, but I write about it. I internalize these feelings until I’m ready to break down and have a crying fit and then I’ll make plans with some friends and then I’m happy again.
So perhaps the issue isn’t that I’m lonely it’s that I’m not comfortable with my loneliness. Maybe we’re all lonely sometimes and I need to accept that it doesn’t mean there’s something wrong with me. Maybe there’s something to be enjoyed about being alone and free to do or say or think or feel whatever I want and not to be concerned about anyone else.
Maybe there’s something more creative that I could be doing with my loneliness than trying to self-analyze it. And to what end? To realize that it’s all happened before and I know that it’ll be over soon enough?
Oh Internal Dialogue, how I’ve missed you.
It’s definitely a state of mind as loneliness rarely has anything to do with being physically alone. In my experience, the most overwhelming tide of loneliness occurs when you’re surrounded by people, but do not feel connected to any of them.
My struggles with loneliness stem from a rather lonely childhood. I was fortunate to always make friends, but there were times when I did not have any. Or times when I felt a million miles away from them.
I believe a lot of my struggles with loneliness stems from not really knowing how to develop a need-trust based relationship with others, and that this is a direct consequence of not having any siblings or close relatives of the same age around me. I suspect that the foundation of developing meaningful relationships with others is based on our experiences within a family.
In my experience, I have learned about the relationship between mother and child, but nothing about the relationship between father and child. But all other family relationships I have avoided, and there have been distinct situations that have driven me from them and them from me.
I remember distinctly when my cousin Carol called me “maladjusted”. It was perhaps the first time I was forced to reflect on myself and my behaviour and its effects on others. I’m not certain what it was that I did to provoke this comment, or if she had been careless about the word she had used one day when I annoyed her. In any case, I don’t hold it against her as she has always been most generous and kind to me. But ever since that day when I learned about the world maladjusted that I grew cautious about what I said and to whom and when and how.
My next strongest type of relationship is that of the teacher and student. I have always been a “teacher’s pet”. To me, when someone is willing to teach and support you, it comes naturally to want to be keen and attentive.
In Grade 4, my teacher Mrs. Guscott was the first to recognize my talent in art and creative writing. She let me stay in at recesses (this was a good thing in the winter) to paint murals for the walls. Of course this in itself separated me from my peers who were not asked to stay inside and paint, unless I expressly invited someone to help me. And all too often I was happy to just paint on my own.
I have only recently began to understand that relationship of sisters. It has taken many years to get to this point, but my best friend Kellie taught me about this. Perhaps this is the type of relationship she is most familiar and experienced with since she is very close with her own sister and brother.
When Kellie’s mother was sick, she came to talk to me and I did not know how to help her. I was completely inexperienced at grief counseling and the typical sentiments one would use in these situations escaped me. But I was there for her.
Over time, I learned how to be myself freely around her – the same as how freely I acted around my friends of my childhood. It’s not easy for me since the relationships I’m most familiar with are that of mother and child and teacher and student. But Kellie taught me… she is good at keeping in touch when I am not. When she feels lonely, she calls someone, but I write about it. I internalize these feelings until I’m ready to break down and have a crying fit and then I’ll make plans with some friends and then I’m happy again.
So perhaps the issue isn’t that I’m lonely it’s that I’m not comfortable with my loneliness. Maybe we’re all lonely sometimes and I need to accept that it doesn’t mean there’s something wrong with me. Maybe there’s something to be enjoyed about being alone and free to do or say or think or feel whatever I want and not to be concerned about anyone else.
Maybe there’s something more creative that I could be doing with my loneliness than trying to self-analyze it. And to what end? To realize that it’s all happened before and I know that it’ll be over soon enough?
Oh Internal Dialogue, how I’ve missed you.
Monday, December 28, 2009
to thine own self be true
creativity's always been a very important part of my life, but it's been a long time since i've done anything creative. i worry that maybe i might "lose it", and try to think back to what made me want to be creative to begin with. with drawing, it was always something aspirational - a pretty face, a spiritual ideal, an interesting insight. with writing, it was always some story i wanted to live through fantasy like a love story, or else non-fictional account of some incredible event.
i know that the stagnation is largely because of the incredible demand my career has on me at this point in time. it's difficult to tell whether it's me that's letting it take over my life or if it's simply the nature of the job. certainly the people i work with are all equally work-obsessed - well maybe not all of them, but at least the ones i consider my peers.
i also know that my career-obsession is because of the need for a stable future. to avoid the mistakes of my parents. to give myself the skills i'd need to be able to live comfortably and have a family comfortably. there's something else too because if comfort is all, i'd be working for something far more stable like insurance or finance. this is tied to the creative aspect of my talents...
it's all related. my whole life, every moment, every action, every ideal and every fear is very much a dimension of my being - difficult to separate. and so while i worry that perhaps one aspect might be getting more attention than others, i also suspect that as my circumstances evolve, the different dimensions of my self will adapt itself, using its core elements to support whatever endeavor i desire.
this makes me feel better. =)
i know that the stagnation is largely because of the incredible demand my career has on me at this point in time. it's difficult to tell whether it's me that's letting it take over my life or if it's simply the nature of the job. certainly the people i work with are all equally work-obsessed - well maybe not all of them, but at least the ones i consider my peers.
i also know that my career-obsession is because of the need for a stable future. to avoid the mistakes of my parents. to give myself the skills i'd need to be able to live comfortably and have a family comfortably. there's something else too because if comfort is all, i'd be working for something far more stable like insurance or finance. this is tied to the creative aspect of my talents...
it's all related. my whole life, every moment, every action, every ideal and every fear is very much a dimension of my being - difficult to separate. and so while i worry that perhaps one aspect might be getting more attention than others, i also suspect that as my circumstances evolve, the different dimensions of my self will adapt itself, using its core elements to support whatever endeavor i desire.
this makes me feel better. =)
Sunday, December 13, 2009
Is this real life???
I had one of those moments the other night when I was feeling like the kid who got high at the dentist. "Is this real life???" I was lying in bed, alone at Hotel St. Paul in Old Montreal after a night of dancing my face off with people that I work with. I knew that in only a week, I'd be flying to Manchester with the most loving and generous boyfriend a girl could ever hope for. I felt completely bewildered.
In my head, I was home alone again at age 10 or 11, the TV showing endless re-runs, me wrapped in a giant comforter, eating chocolate, drawing, vaguely wondering if this was all there is. My mother was running a restaurant at the time, and I rarely saw her, the only way I knew she was still around was from the food she'd leave in the fridge for me. The days blurred together; grey winters melted into muddy springs, then hot summers with no air conditioning so as not to jack up the energy bill, and short crispy autumns. My whole world was so small, my only window to the outside world was through stolen cable.
Everything kind of changed when I got the internet and suddenly the entire world was within reach of my fingertips. So many people! Soon, I knew was that there was no way I'd be able to finish high school without attempting suicide. The thought of getting placed into a university program felt suffocating and I knew the power of my own self-destructiveness only too well.
Did I dream of a career? I don't really remember. All I knew was that I wanted to walk down my own path, on my own terms. It seems entirely too flukey that I ended up in the right career at the right time. At a time when other people I know of all ages are having trouble keeping or finding work, I've become a Digital Strategist - a title I only ever dreamed about for the lasts 4 years.
I don't really know how to feel about it. On one hand, I'm completed elated. On the other... it seems too good to be true. I keep waiting for something terrible to happen. Something terrible almost always happens, it's just a matter of when the floor will drop from right under.
In my head, I was home alone again at age 10 or 11, the TV showing endless re-runs, me wrapped in a giant comforter, eating chocolate, drawing, vaguely wondering if this was all there is. My mother was running a restaurant at the time, and I rarely saw her, the only way I knew she was still around was from the food she'd leave in the fridge for me. The days blurred together; grey winters melted into muddy springs, then hot summers with no air conditioning so as not to jack up the energy bill, and short crispy autumns. My whole world was so small, my only window to the outside world was through stolen cable.
Everything kind of changed when I got the internet and suddenly the entire world was within reach of my fingertips. So many people! Soon, I knew was that there was no way I'd be able to finish high school without attempting suicide. The thought of getting placed into a university program felt suffocating and I knew the power of my own self-destructiveness only too well.
Did I dream of a career? I don't really remember. All I knew was that I wanted to walk down my own path, on my own terms. It seems entirely too flukey that I ended up in the right career at the right time. At a time when other people I know of all ages are having trouble keeping or finding work, I've become a Digital Strategist - a title I only ever dreamed about for the lasts 4 years.
I don't really know how to feel about it. On one hand, I'm completed elated. On the other... it seems too good to be true. I keep waiting for something terrible to happen. Something terrible almost always happens, it's just a matter of when the floor will drop from right under.
Tuesday, December 8, 2009
This is just a space.
I was going to redesign delinquencysignal.blogspot.com, but then I realized I couldn't do it.
Yes, it's a blog that dates back to 2005. But the name "delinquencysignal" doesn't represent me anymore - in fact it hasn't in a long time. The title "Everytime I feel like Alice" has significant meaning - a line from a short story I wrote that same year (published on psychedelia.ca) that will always remain significant even if it's not relevant today.
The only part of that blog that I still feel connected to is the handle... min_o. Don't ask me why... only one person ever calls me that, but I suppose it's enough. When I saw that jasmin-o was available as a blogger URL (really hard to find a good one these days), I decided to grab it.
It's an evolution of min_o... which is weird because Jasmin is my name, but "Everytime I feel like Alice" was really a journey of self-actualization-realization-identification. And after 4 years of questioning myself, my life, my journey; I don't feel like Alice anymore. I feel like Jasmin.
Yes, it's a blog that dates back to 2005. But the name "delinquencysignal" doesn't represent me anymore - in fact it hasn't in a long time. The title "Everytime I feel like Alice" has significant meaning - a line from a short story I wrote that same year (published on psychedelia.ca) that will always remain significant even if it's not relevant today.
The only part of that blog that I still feel connected to is the handle... min_o. Don't ask me why... only one person ever calls me that, but I suppose it's enough. When I saw that jasmin-o was available as a blogger URL (really hard to find a good one these days), I decided to grab it.
It's an evolution of min_o... which is weird because Jasmin is my name, but "Everytime I feel like Alice" was really a journey of self-actualization-realization-identification. And after 4 years of questioning myself, my life, my journey; I don't feel like Alice anymore. I feel like Jasmin.
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